Haunted Valentine Part 1
by S. Wilhelmina Feenster
Summary: Lilith returns to town with shocking news for Frasier.


Haunted Valentine

By: S. Wilhelmina Feenster

Scene One

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – EVENING – NIGHT/1

FRASIER ENTERS THE ROOM WEARING A TUXEDO. MARTIN IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR READING THE NEWSPAPER. FRASIER IS STANDING WHERE MARTIN CAN SEE HIM AND SPINS AROUND.

Frasier: So, dad, how do I look?

Martin: Like you just stepped off a wedding cake.

Frasier: I can't believe that I'm allowing myself to go on one of your blind dates.

Martin: I'm not the one who set you up – Niles did. She's a friend of Daphne's…

Frasier: That's enough, dad. I don't need to hear this anymore.

Martin: I didn't even finish my sentence.

Frasier: You didn't have to. Knowing that she's a friend of Daphne's is enough of a mental picture for me. Let's hope this one doesn't have a tattoo that says, "Born To Kill."

Martin: Yeah, I guess that means you don't want me to play matchmaker anymore. FRASIER GLARES; MARTIN GETS UP Well, I'm going to my room. LEAVES

SFX: Doorbell ringing

FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL – ROZ AND ALICE.

Frasier: Roz, for heaven sakes, what are you doing here?

Roz: You promised that you would baby sit Alice for me tonight.

Frasier: Roz, I hate to disappoint you, but I have a date tonight, therefore, I am incapable of playing watch dog to your little… LOOKS AT ALICE angel.

Roz: Frasier, I have a date, too.

Frasier: I'm sorry, Roz, but this is very important to Niles and Daphne.

Roz: Wait a minute. This doesn't have anything to do with…no, that can't be it.

Frasier: What?

Roz: You're not just trying to get out of babysitting Alice. You're nervous about what kind of woman Niles set you up with, aren't you?

Frasier: CHILDISH MOCKERY I am not.

Roz: Well, I guess I could see if Mrs. Moon could take care of Alice tonight.

SFX: Knocking

Frasier: That must be her now. Roz…

Roz: I know, I'm leaving – but I am curious about what she looks like.

Frasier: Oh, for God sakes! ROLLS HIS EYES AND ANSWERS THE DOOR

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL – DR. LILITH STERNIN

Lilith: Hello, Frasier.

Frasier: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!

ROZ GRABS ALICE AND HURRIES TO THE ELEVATOR.

FADE OUT:

Scene Two

INT. NILES LIVING ROOM – EVENING – NIGHT/1

THE FIREPLACE WAS ROARING, CREATING A ROMANTIC ATMOSPHERE, THE CANDLES WERE LIT; THE WINE WAS CHILLING ON THE TABLE. NILES COMES DOWN THE STEPS, ADJUSTS HIS TIE.

Niles: Sweetheart, I'm pouring us some wine before we go.

Daphne: V.O. Aren't you driving?

Niles: POURING THE WINE INTO THE GLASSES If all goes as planned; you and I will be whisked away in a horse drawn carriage to a night of dinner and dancing.

Daphne: V.O. Ooh, Niles!

DAPHNE APPEARS ON THE STEPS LOOKING RAVISHING, AS USUAL.

Niles: You look stunning.

Daphne: And you, Niles Crane, look very handsome. If I weren't already married to you – I'd marry you.

Niles: I love you, Daphne Crane.

Daphne: And I love you, Niles Crane.

NILES AND DAPHNE, KISS.

FADE OUT:

Scene Three

FADE IN:

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/1

LILITH IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, WHILE FRASIER IS PACING THE ROOM.

Frasier: Lilith, what are you doing here? Is Fredrick OK?

Lilith: Fredrick is fine. I'm only here on a business trip.

Frasier: Do you know what today is?

Lilith: Of course, Frasier – and as I know your life far better than my own, I see that I disagreeumption was correct.

Frasier: GLOATING Well, this time you're wrong. I do have a date tonight and she'll be here any minute.

Lilith: Yes, we wouldn't want to make things awkward, would we?

FRASIER OPENS THE DOOR TO LET HER OUT.

Frasier: Perhaps you can drop in some other time – UNDER HIS BREATH like All Hallows Eve.

Lilith: I'll be back tomorrow, although, knowing you, an hour should suffice.

Frasier: Ha, ha! And don't let the gates of hell hit you on the way out.

LILITH, EXITS.

Frasier: CONT'D I swear that woman is Queen of the Damned!

SFX: Telephone ringing

FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM AND ANSWERS THE PHONE.

Frasier: Hello? ... Niles! I thought you were having a romantic evening with Daphne … TONE CHANGES Oh, dear, but didn't you send her to Rio de la Plata? … Well, Niles, if my date ever gets here, I'm taking her to Le Petite Crapaud … Alright, Niles!

SFX: Doorbell ringing

Frasier: CONT'D That's her right now. I'll call you before I leave … Oh, for heaven sakes, Niles – give me ten minutes! HANGS UP THE PHONE

FRASIER CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL A BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG BRUNETTE WOMAN, WITH LONG LOCKS OF HAIR, A GORGEOUS SMILE, AND REACHING FIVE FOOT – TEN INCHES TALL.

Michelle: Hello, I'm Michelle August.

Frasier: DEEP SEXY VOICE Well, hello there. Daphne didn't tell me that you were so beautiful.

Michelle: Um, who's Daphne?

Frasier: Daphne Moon – surely you've met – you came highly recommended. She is your friend, right?

MARTIN ENTERS.

Martin: Hi, Michelle.

Frasier: You know her, dad?

Martin: Sure I do. She's going to look after Eddie tonight.

Frasier: Eddie has a date?

Martin: Aw, don't let that get you down, son. I'm sure you can find a pregnant dog in the park. GOES INTO THE KITCHEN

Frasier: Very funny, dad – SEES EDDIE BEING CUTE FOR MICHELLE I'm going for a walk.

A FEW MINUTES LATER, MARTIN COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

Martin: TO MICHELLE If you need anything, I'll be downstairs in room 1812.

MARTIN, EXITS.

CUT TO:

Scene Three

INT. LIMOUSINE – NIGHT – NIGHT/1

NILES AND DAPHNE ARE SITTING AND DRINKING FLUTES OF CHAMPAGNE - NILES HAS A GLOOMY LOOK ON HIS FACE, AS HE STARES OUT THE WINDOW AT THE DOWN POUR OUTSIDE.

Niles: Daphne, I'm sorry the rain ruined our romantic evening.

Daphne: Niles, it's not ruined. In fact, it's perfect. Nothing in the world is more soothing than the pitter patter of rain on the window sills. You simply sit back and listen to it dancing all over Seattle. It's quite romantic, you know?

Niles: Romantic, you say?

NILES PLACES HIS ARM AROUND DAPHNE'S SHOULDER.

Daphne: You know I've never made love in a limousine before.

Niles: That's funny – neither have I.

Daphne: Not unless you count the time I was dating a mortician…

NILES KISSES DAPHNE – SHE SINKS DOWN INTO HER SEAT.

Niles: Do you think the driver will hear us?

Daphne: Niles, do you want to be spontaneous or not?

DAPHNE BITES HIS EAR.

Niles: Ooh, mama! Vive la spontanéité!  
FADE TO:

Scene Four

INT. FRASIER'S LIVING ROOM – NIGHT – NIGHT/1

MICHELLE IS ASLEEP ON THE COUCH WITH EDDIE.

SFX: Doorbell ringing

EDDIE WAKES UP AND BARKS. MICHELLE MOVES AROUND FOR A LITTLE BIT UNTIL SHE HEARS THE SECOND RING OF THE BELL. MICHELLE CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL FRASIER'S DATE, BROOKLYN REID.

Brooklyn: Hi, I'm Brooklyn, but you can call me Brooke – Is Frasier still awake? I apologize for being late like this.

Michelle: TAKEN ABACK You're Dr. Crane's date?

Brooklyn: Shaw!

Michelle: Shaw?

Brooklyn: Yeah, Shaw! It's another way of saying "yeah" – my friend says it all the time.

Michelle: Ok, you're weird.

Brooklyn: You're here alone with a dog, on the most romantic night of the year – Who's weird now? BEAT I think I'll just wait here for Frasier to return.

Michelle: Whatever you want.

SFX: Knocking

Michelle: CONT'D Don't even think about touching mah hot chocolate.

MICHELLE CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL LILITH.

Lilith: I see that Frasier has decided to recapture his youth, once again

Michelle: Are you Dr. Crane's date, too?

Lilith: As flattered as I may seem, I have already tasted the forbidden fruit.

Michelle: Nice voice – reminds me of a robot.

Brooklyn: That's funny – she reminds of the English teacher I had in the 7th grade.

Lilith: Could I be frank?

Michelle: Whatever you want.

Lilith: You annoy the hell out of me.

Brooklyn: I've only known her for fifteen minutes and couldn't agree with you more.

Michelle: You know, I've gotten to know you guys, too, and you know what I think? TO LILITH You're a frosty pregnant dog, who wouldn't know enthusiasm if it jumped up and bit you in the butt.

Brooklyn: LAUGHS Good one, Michelle.

Michelle: Brooklyn, or is it Brooke?

Brooklyn: To you, hon, Brooklyn.

Michelle: Whatever. Your punctuality is uncanny. Here, you have this date with an incredible doctor and you decide to show up whenever it's convenient for you.

Brooklyn: Hey, cupid didn't point his arrow at a dog's butt for me.

Michelle: What the hell?

Brooklyn: Michelle, you are a very attractive woman…

Michelle: So now you want to date me?

Brooklyn: That's not what I meant. What I was going to say was – you don't want to end up like her POINTS TO LILITH

Lilith: It's obvious I interrupted one of Frasier's Adolescent Psychiatry Seminars.

EDDIE BARKS.

SFX: Key jiggling in the lock

FRASIER ENTERS, SEES LILITH AND DARTS OUT THE DOOR.

Michelle: NUDGES BROOKLYN That was Frasier – you better go catch him.

Lilith: PUSHES BROOKLYN AWAY Not unless I catch him first.

LILITH AND BROOKLYN PUSH THEIR WAY OUT THE DOOR.

MICHELLE CONTINUES TO PLAY WITH EDDIE.

SFX: Doorbell ringing

Michelle: Sit, Eddie. Stay.

MICHELLE CROSSES THE ROOM, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL – A DRUNKEN NILES AND DAPHNE.

Michelle: CONT'D Good boy.

Niles: IN DAPHNE'S DIRECTION No, bad boy.

NILES AND DAPHNE, LAUGH.

Michelle: Are you guys alright?

Daphne: Who are you?

Michelle: Michelle August – I'm here to play with Eddie.

Daphne: Well, I'm here to play with Niles, so you'll just have to take Eddie to the park. It's nearly … DAPHNE HAS BLURRY VISION What's that say, dear?

Niles: SQUINTING There's too many numbers.

MICHELLE LOOKS AT DAPHNE'S WATCH AND IT READS: 9:56PM.

Michelle: It's almost ten!

EDDIE LEAVES THE ROOM AND RETURNS WITH HIS LEASH RESTING IN HIS MOUTH.

Michelle: CONT'D Fine – but if I get mugged, I'm holding you both responsible.

MICHELLE AND EDDIE, EXIT.

Niles: LOOKING INTO DAPHNE'S EYES You look positively…irresistible.

NILES LUNGES FOR DAPHNE, WHO MOVES OUT OF THE WAY, CAUSING HIM TO LAND HEAD FIRST ON THE COUCH.

Daphne: LOOKING UP AT THE CEILING Did you ever notice how many different sorts of pictures you can see up there? Like over in the corner near the kitchen – it looks like a baby chicken learning how to ski, and over there, near the piano, it looks like a dolphin playing hockey with a dinosaur.

FRASIER RUSHES INTO THE APARTMENT AND FRANTICALLY STARTS BARRICADING THE DOOR.

Frasier: Niles, help me!

Niles: Frasier, what are you doing?

Frasier: What does it look like I'm doing? I'm shielding myself from disaster!

Niles: Don't you have a date?

Frasier: Dear God, Niles – she's joined forces with Lilith! They chased me down the stairs, so I hid behind a plant until they were gone. Then I took the service elevator to be extra cautious.

FRASIER MOVES A CHAIR AGAINST THE DOOR – NILES PICKS UP A PILLOW AND PLACES IT ON THE CHAIR. FRASIER MOVES TABLES, WHILE NILES GATHERS MORE PILLOWS.

Frasier: NOTICING NILES For God sakes, Niles!

NILES TOSSES THE PILLOWS, CAUSING THEM TO FLY IN THE AIR – BREAKING ONE OF FRASIER'S VASES.

Frasier: Look what you did!

Niles: ASTONISHED What I did? You're the one who took it upon himself to bellow out!

Frasier: You were always jealous of that vase.

Niles: I was not.

Frasier: You were too.

Niles: I was not.

Frasier: You were too!

Niles: Was not, was not, was not!

THEY CONTINUED TO ARGUE BACK AND FORTH.

Daphne: TOUCHES HER FOREHEAD Uh oh.

NILES NOTICES THAT DAPHNE LOOKS FAINT.

Niles: Daphne, what's the matter?

Daphne: I'm starting to get one of my psychic headaches.

Frasier: She's close by. Niles, get dad's chair!

Niles: Frasier, you're going to have to stop running away from Lilith.

Frasier: But why did she pick today to hoist herself at my door?

SFX: Knocking

Niles: Why don't you open the door and find out.

FRASIER LOOKS AT NILES FOR SUPPORT.

Frasier: Well…!

Niles: I'm not going to fight your battles for you.

Frasier: I do need your help.

Niles: You're on your own.

Frasier: The furniture, Niles! Help me move it!

NILES PICKS UP THE PILLOWS AND RETURNS THEM TO THE COUCH.

Daphne: I think I better lie down.

Niles: I'll come with you.

DAPHNE LEAVES, NILES FOLLOWS.

Frasier: MOVING THE COFFEE TABLE, OPENS THE DOOR TO REVEAL, LILITH Lilith, you're back.

Lilith: Yes, Frasier. I couldn't wait much longer. My flight leaves tonight. I thought it would be best that I go back to Boston.

Frasier: Well, if you think it would be best…

Lilith: Frasier, I'm pregnant.

Frasier: SHOCKED W-what?

Lilith: To tell you the truth – I'm scared. STARTS TO CRY

Frasier: COMFORTING VOICE Lilith…

FRASIER HOLDS HER IN A TIGHT EMBRACE.

TO BE CONTINUED… 


End file.
